Cyanide and Happiness

Last Day At Work!!!!

T-Minus 2 hours until i go too O'Hagans and get pantst on Guinness for the rest of the day. I have my drinking belt on and im ready for a whole lot of cursing and spit balling. If you have trouble finding me I'm the guy in the blue shirt with the big grin on his face.

If you do find me, come ask me what i used to do for a crust. I'm no longer contractually obliged to keep secrets. Boo ya!

Spain Makes Sure They Medal High In The Racist 400

It looks like the 31-point blowout the US Men’s Basketball team handed the Chinese delegation yesterday won’t be the most embarrassing thing the home Basketball team will face this Olympics.

That honor of offense goes to the Spaniards, and even without playing a game. This image is from a full page ad that ran in the sports daily Marca today. As you can see, it’s Spain’s Men’s basketball team slanting their eyes to show the world that respect for other teams is out the door. They’re going for gold, baby—feelings are for Bronze medalists!

No one involved in the advert appears to have considered it inappropriate nor contemplated the manner in which it could be interpreted in China and elsewhere. No offence (sic) was intended by the advert, but whether the Chinese see it that way is a different matter and it is likely to provoke more criticism at a delicate time for Spanish sport.

The failure to recognise the potential consequences is striking in the light of the problems Spain has had with issues of race and the Spanish Olympic committee’s continued desire to host the Games in Madrid in 2016 or 2020.

Oh, Spain. When will you learn that sports are about respect and not making fun of Asian basketball players… or black race car drivers… or black soccer players… um, they might want to rethink that 2020 time-frame. It’s going to take a lot more time before they stop being their own worst enemy.

China - You're A Disgrace

I'm not sure if anyone has been watching the sailing or wind surfing but WHAT-THE -HELL is that green crap on top of the water (algae?). Its so nasty the athletes actually go around it, but it hasn't had one mention from the commentators. Are they under some obligation not to slam the disgusting conditions? Are China under the impression that if they don't bring it up then the question wont be asked?

I hear this critter was found by one of the support crews.

Things the All Seeing Molerat didnt See

While this farce of an Olympic event rolls on i should probably keep an update list of things i hadn't predicted.

• CGI Olympic ceremony's - Possibly done by the same people who faked the moon landing? Did it really happen?
• Lip sinking during the opening ceremony - All Asians look the same to me so i still don't see the problem.

Let me know if i missed anything else.

Roll On the Olympics

Before the Olympics kicks off i feel that it is entirely appropriate to make some overly disastrous and or inappropriate predictions.

1. At least one terrorist attack during the games.


2. At least two violent confrontations between police and protesters.


3. At least one athlete attacked or detained by police during or straight after the Olympics.


4. Opening Ceremony - Heaps of dragons and loads of Chinese adults dressed like children.


5. At least 4 athletes will go home before the Olympics ends due to the disgusting conditions.


6. The lighting of the Olympic Flame will be edited out so as not to incite fires being lit throughout China in an act of disobediance or free thought.


7. Chinese officials will be sodomising each other in a Karaoke bar somewhere whilst watching the Olympic flame be lit.......Dirty Sanchez anyone? Keep an eye on YouTube.

I would put money on all of the above with the exception of the last one.

Unlike Voting for Helen

China (Your Police at Least) - You Suck

BEIJING - Two journalists covering an attack by alleged Muslim separatists in China have been beaten by police.

An official apology has now been issued over the incident in western China but, at the same time, Beijing set new obstacles for news outlets wanting to report from Tiananmen Square.
The International Olympic Committee, which last week only partially succeeded in getting China to unblock some internet sites after journalists raised a furore, said it would look into the new rules that require reporters to make appointments to do reports at Tiananmen.

The Japanese government and the Foreign Correspondents Club of China condemned the roughing up of the Japanese newsmen who were covering the terrorist attack on police in Xinjiang province.

Liu Yaohua, Xinjiang's top police official, said: "The Japanese reporters violated the rules of China by forcing their way into a military area. The act was not well-justified, and they should accept the consequences.

Heres an idea. Go stick that Olympic torch up your arse China (Your Police at Least). It really tears my anus that you get to host the olympics because you are without a doubt the biggest Fuckstick of a country. Beautiful place, good food, amazing culture but wake the hell up and sort your act out. If your didnt have everyones testicles in your hand bag of private debt then you would be bent over and given a good rodgering with the pole of Democracy.

Beautiful place, good food and amazing culture though.

Chicks Dig Scars

I have heard this adage a number of times from friends, TV shows, radio, movies but to be totally honest i have never met a female remotely interested in the scars i have acquired. There are some pretty impressive ones as well.

Ill go through them in chronological order:

1. Scar running down my cheek bone - Done by Molemums fingernails when cleaning me as a new born.


2. Scar on stomach - I was picking the fluff off a tea cosy and eating it as a toddler. Tea cosy was over a teapot on the table, i pulled it over myself, hey presto big burn scar.


3. Bite marks in right shin - Done as a young by a dog named "Rip" that lived next door.


4. Forehead scar - Ran over by a car on the way to school.


5. Hernia scar - From surgery when 9 years old.


6. Scar down right elbow - Play ground scrap.


7. Forearm scar - Scrapping with a mate and he tore a piece of flesh out my arm, he accidentally swallowed it. We are forever bonded over that, hes Maori as well......go figure.


8. Scar on eyebrow - Scrap at Uni.


9. Scar on thigh - Combination of stealing shot glasses and falling off a 3 story building at Uni.


10. Wang - Surgery of the wang.


11. Numerous small cut and burn scars around hands.

Now that in my mind a bloody good list of scars. Plenty of conversation value in them amongst the right kind of company but absolutely without a doubt has never stirred the interest of a female....just guys. Much the same as guys are far more interested in their own tackle than any female is, i would suggest the same applies to scars.

Quotes For The Day - Updated

I just don't do this enough so i wont be doing it again after today. I feel these last two are incredibly relevant to the story below. Enjoy!

Piss In The Wind

Doing something that is a complete waste of effort and time for which you can expect no results and may even backfire on you.

e.g. Asking Vero to do their fuckin job is like pissing in the wind.

S.F.A

sweet fuck all. Amounting to nothing or very little.

E.G. Wow what a waste, Vero did SFA this week about my damn floor boards.....again!!.

Vero Insurance - Fix My Floor Boards NOW Damnit!

One of the things i have been killing myself over these last few weeks is getting Vero Insurance to replace the floor boards in the laundry and bathroom.

The Felton Mixer had sprung a leak behind the wall boards, kindly racking my power bill up to $380 which coincidentally brought my attention to the problem. Naturally gravity drew all this valuable hot water down to my floor boards causing them to turn to "Weetbix". Note this is not the edible variety full of fibre but rather the state of Custom Wood once water is absorbed.

Now i have had the Mixer replaced, sadly my very heavy water tank is still sitting on the sodden floor boards and according to the plumber could literally fall through at any moment. With a claim limit of $3000 on "Gradual Damage" I sense that if this were to occur the cost of repair would be well over $3000 and I would find myself bent over the said water tank, with my ass hanging out my tweeds paying for the added costs.

I know my options but in this particular forum they are boring and irrelevant!

Screw you Vero, I shake my fist at you in disgruntled frustration.

Helen if you don’t recall my phone calls i am going to set fire to the Elevator entrance on the claims floor. Do you want that Helen? Do you? Do you want a fire started on your floor? Huh? Come Wednesday im going to Vietch the whole bloody lot of you until someone either returns my calls or fixes my floor boards.

Either that or ill just try calling again. Or i might just go down four floors and yell at you in person. Up to you fatty!

grumble grumble grumble..........

Resignation

Oh sweet Jesus, Buddha, Sponge bob.

How good did it feel to hand in my resignation? Soooooooo good.

You know that feeling when you have needed to piss for 5 hours, but you have held it in, and then you finally get to piss and you moan your ass off with ecstasy as 5 hours of beer exits you in one of the most relieving and oddly pleasurable moments in your life.

If your in the men’s you kind of get a look of jealousy, they know what your on about. If your at home you get told to be quite because the neighbours can hear you and its inappropriate.

Well I had that moment today. I’m off for a liquid lunch followed up by work drinks in the wine loft, followed up with some Guinness at O’Hagan’s.

From China With Ruv

With running two posts on Asians in one day i believe I'm running the risk of appearing a racist. Regardless this is an article shamelessly poached from 236.


China will pay you to stop all that annoying "grieving"

With the world preparing to watch the Beijing Olympics during the CSI: Miami commercial breaks, China is making sure its people appear to be one big, happy family by asking people to not publicly mourn earthquake victims.

Yes, with the all eyes on China, the nation wants the world to know it has changed its secretive ways. That's why instead of killing dissenters unhappy with the government, it's offering to pay them off.

While this seems harsh via the stuffy lens of the New York Times, Chinese officials have actually started a friendly public awareness campaign urging citizens to mourn in their inside voices. We've translated a few for you.

African SpongeBob

Dont Make Me Veitch You!!!!

In completely bad taste i have adopted this saying to most domestic situations where Miss Molerat looks to be getting out of line.

Indeed i believe this should take place ahead of "Cook me Some Eggs!"

Yes i know its old already but ive been away and havent had the opportunity to share this so shut up......or ill Veitch you!

Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks

Gidday,

Something that has been holding my interest a great deal over the last few weeks is this website.

http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Main_Page

Its got some great stuff in there. Its a testament to my really poor sense of humour but here is a taste of what you can find. This one comes from the Mel Gibson Link.

Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson, AO (born January 3, 1956) is an Academy Award-winning actor, director, producer, screenwriter, alcoholic, anti-Semite, and a dick. After establishing himself as a household name by appearing in such classics as Tequila Sunrise and Bird on a Wire, Gibson went on to direct and star in Braveheart, a film whose most famous scene involves an entire army bending over, lifting up its skirts, and waggling its collected buttocks at another army, which in response stands there with its swords erect, ready to ram deep inside the enemy’s “line.” Not surprisingly, this film is especially popular in American fraternity houses, along with tea bagging, communal showers, and bathroom stalls with no door.

For Gibson’s work on Braveheart, he received the Oscar for Best Mullet. It really was an extraordinary mullet: lush, luxuriant—there was even a little braid woven down the side.
In 2004, Gibson produced and directed The Passion of the Christ, a controversial film portraying the last hours of the final days of some guy. Pretty much the only saving grace of this film is that Gibson himself did not star as this guy. Thanks largely to The Passion’s success—born entirely from the controversy it aroused rather than any real artistic, theatrical, and/or theological merit—Gibson was named #1 on the Forbes most powerful celebrity list, perhaps the most dicktacular list in America. Well, aside from maybe “Richest Person in Los Angeles.” Gibson cracks the Top 50 on that one, too.

Mel Gibson is Australian, though his accent comes and goes, especially during films in which he’s supposed to be an American revolutionary, for instance, or a melancholy Dane. He is perhaps the most odious thing to come from Australia, other than Olivia Newton John. And Chumbawumba. And Outback Steakhouse. And that disgusting black vegetable spread they love so much. In fact, nothing good has ever come from Australia. Okay, maybe Men At Work, but they haven’t released an album in 20 years, and also Nicole Kidman, but she hardly ever gets naked anymore (certainly no bush).

Russell Crowe wishes he were Mel Gibson so bad, it gives him a boner that a dingo couldn’t bite through.

No - This Is Not An Image Of Helen Clark

See, now I take issue with dogs like these. This poor animal should have been put to death the moment it was born. I hate little dogs, they should be classified as rats and put into sewers and under damp piles of wood, where decent folk are not subjected their ugly little faces and little yaps! Disgusting!

Now, I have been trying for some time to get a dog of my own. A Bullmastiff or American Bulldog would be fantastic. Unfortunately there is a nut I haven’t been able to crack......Miss Molerats (soon to be Mrs as I proposed last week after I laced her with wine, she wasn’t of sound...mind but hey, a win is a win!).

Anyway the discussion to date in a nutshell looks like this:

1) You cant have a dog until we move in together

2) So we moved in together

3) You cant have a dog until we buy our own place

4) So we bought our own place

5) You cant have a dog until the section is fully fenced.

6) I fenced my ass off all summer

7) You cant have a dog until someone is home full time to be with it........

So i went out and spent a few grand on a new home entertainment system without her input instead. Gooooooooo Man Power!!!!

I got the glassy eye for a wee while but she’s pretty good about it now.

Jesus Escapes Stampede

Kiwi Sports Fans Have No Passion

Its no secret that Kiwis are the least inspired and most boring supporters in the world. But having been shamed on a supporters bus on the way to the game I feel compelled to share my story.

The Paddington (Paddo) were having a test match deal. 1 Ticket, free meal, 1 free beer and a trip to and from the game for $90. We know a bargain when we see one so we rallied some friends and made a day/night of it.

12:00pm – Kicked off the drinking
4:30pm – 12 beers down and were off to the Paddington
5:00pm – Reach the Paddington
5:05pm – Complimentary beer and meal received
5:30pm – Second complimentary beer received (courtesy of one of the lads who scanned the chit and printed them en mass)
6:00pm – Bus arrives
6:05pm – Everybody in the bus
6:06pm – The Barmy army (one third the buses population) start firing up.
6:10pm – Uninspired Kiwi pipes up with “Aaaaaallllll Blaaaacks”
610 and 2 one hundredths pm – Barmy army crush the call and humiliate the bloke who had piped up.
6:12pm – Kiwi supporters now watch as the only guy trying to rally kiwi support is a Canadian here on holiday.
6:15pm – Barmy army question the Canadians parentage and threaten a beating.
6:20pm – There are rumours of someone starting a Haka (oh Christ I think to myself).
6:21pm – Lack of support means the threat of a Haka is scrambled.
6:25pm – This news mustn’t have got to the Canadian as he starts SINGING the Haka with his pregnant girlfriend.

Its at this point I realised the colonists in their meagre numbers have pretty much squashed all NZ resistance. Shouts of “Yeah well we will see whose singing after the game”.

This is where the memory gets a little hazy.

9:30/10:00 pm – The poms seem to have numerous witty songs about how crap they are. Still nothing from the Kiwis
10ish – Someone suggests a Haka (No no no)
10ish – Barmy army start taunting that Camilla Parker is our next queen.
10ish – Barmy army start pole dancing and eyeing up all females on the bus
11ish – Back in the Paddington enjoying our many stolen free beers.

Sunday 3:00 pm – Molerat wakes up feeling very sorry for himself and unable to get to the lounge or feed himself.

Saying For The Week

Premature Joculation

The act of celebrating an event before it has been fully resolved. Sometimes quickly followed by an embarrassing retraction when things turn out differently.

E.g. The All Blacks in the Rugby World Cup 1991, 1995, 1999, 2003, 2007.