Saying For The Week

On The Laugh Rag

"A term used to describe those rare days where everything you say is funny."

Jane was at that special time of the month where everything she said was just hilarious. She was so on the laugh rag.


http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=On+The+Laugh+Rag

I pray for days like these.

Like the end result of most my prayers its never happened.

Pshh, go figure!!

What do you mean bitter and disillusioned? I still believe!

Chicken Soup For The Soul

Mexican Donkey Freed From Jail After Assault

"TUXTLA GUTIERREZ, Mexico - A Mexican donkey has been freed from jail after doing time for assault and battery. The Televisa network on Wednesday showed "Blacky" gobbling food from a bucket after spending three days in a jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances.
Blacky was jailed for biting and kicking two men near a ranch outside Tuxtla Gutierrez, the capital of Chiapas state.

Officials freed the donkey after its owner paid a fine of $36 and the $115 hospital bill of the men, who suffered bites to the chest and a broken ankle. Authorities say he also must pay $480 to each man for missed work days."

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/weird_news/20080521_ap_mexicandonkeyfreedfromjailafterassault.html

This is great!

A donkey named Blacky attacking two men gets put in jail.

I wonder why Blackys story hasn’t been told! Me thinks its the white oppressors at work again!

*Cue sound track depicting villany*

Maybe Blacky is a product of his environment. Its not Blackys fault he was raised in the slums of Mexico and prone to violent acts of biting. The fact he was gobbling his food suggests to me that Blacky probably hasn’t been fed in a while, which makes me think he’s neglected. Why aren’t we doing more as a community to support Blacky?

Could it be Blacky was merely protecting his property? Maybe these two men were trespassing on Blackys land? Maybe they were trying to steal from Blacky? Maybe they had stolen from Blacky and this was the only way he knew how to serve justice in his donkey oppressed community?

Just look at the amount of time he spent in jail. I bet if that was a Stead committing those crimes they would only have been placed over night?

The problem is there will never be any justice for Blacky until Mexico as a people can see past their old prejudices and begin to heal, together, forever, where ever.

Disclaimer

Yes! I am an idiot.

Aunty Helen - Labour Party Fundamentals

If Cullen were a Pigeon

I Shall Call Him D-Twat

Hello,

The Molerat has a concern, a deep troubling niggle that has been eating away at him since he started his job. Its not something he can change, escape, eat, kill or ignore.

What’s been bothering me is a work colleague who I will from here-on-in call "D-Twat". "D" because that’s what his name starts with and "Twat" because every aspect of this man loudly and proudly screams "THATS WHAT I AM!!!"

Amongst my group of friends we have someone like D-Twat, we call him Wompwizzle. Not a sentence can leave Wompwizzles mouth without it having some obscene hyperbole or utter mistruth added to it. E.g. "I went to the pub in the weekend and drank 40 beers, then knocked out 6 bouncers and hit a policeman over the head with a baseball bat." When in actually fact if he was sitting with his better half we would hear this story "I sat at home with Miss Wompwizzle and ate Tim Tams while watching Greys Anatomy." But we have known Wompwizzle since we were 8 and went to a rather pompous boarding school together. He’s one of us and we accept his BS for what it is, he knows we know he’s full of it as well.

However,

D-Twat on the other hand has known me all of 2-3 months. I’ve maybe spoken to him on 10 different occasions and each time has rendered a publicly humiliating situation for MRat. Let me out line who D-Twat is:

- Short (Has short mans syndrome).
- 25 years old
- Wears glasses.
- Looks like the type of guy you would find up a tree looking into your bedroom window.
- Has a serious delusion about the seniority of his role.
- Sustains multiple whiplash injuries when someone from the opposite sex walks within a 50 meter radius of him.
- Plays Ten Pin professionally.
- Has been a famous NZ photographer.
- Played representative Soccer (Football) for Auckland.
- Has loads of "Lady’s".
- Races Rotary cars.
- Family owns multiple offshore company’s.
- Etc etc etc, I could go on.

You cant have a conversation with this guy without him having seen it, done it, been it, redefined it, designed it, smelt it or ate it. For example:

D-Twat - "Have a good weekend mate?"

MRat - "Wasn’t bad actually, went out with Miss Molerat to a nice Italian Restaurant in Parnell for our anniversary."

D-Twat - "Yeah I used to be the head chef at "Blah" Restaurant and had a threesome last night!"

Are you kidding me? A threesome with what? Your hand and a sock? A cat and a dog? Two other blokes? I would be amazed if he could find one willing unpaid participant let alone two of them. What do you say to someone like this? How do you cleanse the stain of association when he blurts this crap out at the gym so everyone can hear? I bought an ipod for the sole purpose of aiding my attempts to fain not being able to hear him talk to me. But when he comes over to speak to me I cant pretend I don’t see him can I? Can I? Maybe i could!

I cant hit him, I’ve thought about taking that road numerous times but it is only a short term solution and MRat is not a violent man so its not an option. Luckily a lot of guys around me have the same problem.

I think he thinks were friends, or, he missed a critical stage in his cognitive development. He lacks situational awareness and doesn’t understand notions of personal space or socially inappropriate conversations with strangers.

Here’s what I am going to do. I’m going to observe him. Watch his awkward attempts at approaching females at the gym. Watch him dropping weights on himself while he’s working out. Observe his social faux pas and report to any and all who read this blog. That is how I’m going to cope with D-Twat.

Ill share the burden with the rest of you.

Tales from me old Mole Dad

Hello,

Thinking about what I should post today I couldn’t think of anything I’ve seen, heard or done recently that has really made me laugh. Not just a 'round the water cooler' chortle that people are becoming accustomed too, but a hurt your ribs, break a sweat laugh that forever burns the occasion into your grey matter.

Now Mole Dad is a funny old Scouse. He’s a very funny, yet reserved, man with plenty of tales. He was raised in Kerby in one of the locals. Having been raised and later working in this bar one can would appreciate how his personality came about.

Liverpool, nearly everyone knows someone from the place and if you don’t, you probably have heard of their rubbish soccer team, God bless them. But I digress.

Thieves the lot of them.

It was on a trip to Kawerau with Miss Molerat to see my father that this story takes place. A trip I don’t make often enough by the way. After sitting with Mole Dad over a few pints he starts to loosen up (He’s always a little nervous of me when we first meet) and starts to spin a few tales.

And it went a little like this........

"Now my dad worked on the docks. Big man for sure, used to be a seaman, loved to drink and fight. When having a pint he would only ever touch his pint glass twice, if you know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean dad."

"I wish you hadda met him. Anyway one day I was working in the pub with my aunty Sally when my dad brought in a big wooden barrel from the Docks."

"What was he doing with that?"

"What do you mean? He stole it and brought it home!"

"Right o! What was in it?"

"Alcohol, or so he was told. Anyway he put in the middle of the bar and left it there till after we closed, we were going to crack it open later that night. Some of my uncles were in that night and they were drinking with my dad, they had their pints sitting on the top of it you know what I mean?"

"Yeah"

"Well uncle Michael found the plug in the barrel and decided to pull it out. Dad was right it was full of alcohol, so they put aside the beers and started draining the contents of this barrel. Pissed they were, i tell you the next day when they came in for breakfast they were in a horrible state."

"So what’s your point?"

"You see how he speaks to me Miss Molerat? Rude isn’t he? I thought I raised a good..."

"Let it go would you."

*Steely glare from Mole Dad*

"So we were carrying the barrel outside when we noticed something was still inside it."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, the bloody Barrel had an embalmed monkey in it. They were preserving it in alcohol and had sent it from Africa to Liverpool to be put in the museum, it was in the papers and everything asking for the monkey to be returned to its owners. We kept it for a few days then left it outside the bar across the road hoping they would get some bad press."

End story......................

I still find this incredibly funny. I don’t know if alcohol had something to do with it, or it was just the sheer surprise of the ending, but that was one of the funniest story’s I’ve ever heard from Mole Dad.

I half expected him to tell me they ate it.

Vatican: It's OK to believe in aliens

Since I signed up to the alias "Molerats" (The name I will continuously refer to myself as) I have been waiting, sniffing about for some ludicrous article, statement, image that would actually be worthy of my first Post. Now when I say "worthy" I mean something that I would find interesting, which is to say something that could possibly only ever be of interest to me, which is to say its probably a load of bollocks.

Don’t ever expect more than that, but rather appreciate that this blog will always be a load of rubbish, and merely the ramblings of a very bored, tired male working in corporate New Zealand, posting during his far too long 1hr lunch break.

Expectations set? (said KFED to his music label). Excellent!!!


"VATICAN CITY - The Vatican's chief astronomer says that believing in aliens does not contradict faith in God.

The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, said that the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.

In an interview published Tuesday by Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Funes said that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures.

The interview was headlined "The extraterrestrial is my brother."

Funes said that ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom. "

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24598508/#storyContinued


Now I love religion, I really do. Big fan, Huge fan even. One thing I wasn’t aware of was that the Vatican had a Chief Astronomer. Which totally makes sense to me now. For century’s people have been posing the question "Where is this God or Jesus hanging out? Why have they been sleeping on the job whilst all these terrible things happen around us".
Well in response to this, you nay sayers, we have an appointed Chief of Astronomy actively looking for them, so give them some time and they’ll find them. Just you wait. Their out there, viewable by telescope.

Really? Is this where the Vatican have found themselves after all this time? Looking through Telescopes? What co-ordinates are they using? Have they been communicating their search patterns with SETI? SETI may have already looked there! We may be double handling our search efforts for JEBUS. I would suggest the Vatican and SETI pull together and discuss operational efficiency issues.

Now I assume that the Chief of Astronomy hasn’t been hired to find God and I’ve just interpreted the article wrongly. Miss Molerat has always told me I have selective hearing.

But this part here, my favourite part is

"ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom."

I love it!! He couldn’t be more right. How could you ever fault a being who has always had every base covered. Brilliant!!!!. “What? You thought of something that may debunk our theory on X. Well that’s just putting limits of Y’s ability to do any manner of wondrous things.”

I wonder what an extraterrestrials view of God is. Maybe they happened across him on the way to our planet. Maybe they neglected to tell us whist they probed a few unfortunate bystanders? You gotta wonder. They’ve been pretty tight lipped and scarce those fullas of late. They're all in it together if you ask me!!!!

This just in, someone from Hubble found Jesus. As they are the discoverer, they are granted naming rights, and as such decided to name the entity formerly known as "Jesus", "Schnookums" after his 8 month old Fox Terrier.