Cyanide and Happiness

Last Day At Work!!!!

T-Minus 2 hours until i go too O'Hagans and get pantst on Guinness for the rest of the day. I have my drinking belt on and im ready for a whole lot of cursing and spit balling. If you have trouble finding me I'm the guy in the blue shirt with the big grin on his face.

If you do find me, come ask me what i used to do for a crust. I'm no longer contractually obliged to keep secrets. Boo ya!

Spain Makes Sure They Medal High In The Racist 400

It looks like the 31-point blowout the US Men’s Basketball team handed the Chinese delegation yesterday won’t be the most embarrassing thing the home Basketball team will face this Olympics.

That honor of offense goes to the Spaniards, and even without playing a game. This image is from a full page ad that ran in the sports daily Marca today. As you can see, it’s Spain’s Men’s basketball team slanting their eyes to show the world that respect for other teams is out the door. They’re going for gold, baby—feelings are for Bronze medalists!

No one involved in the advert appears to have considered it inappropriate nor contemplated the manner in which it could be interpreted in China and elsewhere. No offence (sic) was intended by the advert, but whether the Chinese see it that way is a different matter and it is likely to provoke more criticism at a delicate time for Spanish sport.

The failure to recognise the potential consequences is striking in the light of the problems Spain has had with issues of race and the Spanish Olympic committee’s continued desire to host the Games in Madrid in 2016 or 2020.

Oh, Spain. When will you learn that sports are about respect and not making fun of Asian basketball players… or black race car drivers… or black soccer players… um, they might want to rethink that 2020 time-frame. It’s going to take a lot more time before they stop being their own worst enemy.

China - You're A Disgrace

I'm not sure if anyone has been watching the sailing or wind surfing but WHAT-THE -HELL is that green crap on top of the water (algae?). Its so nasty the athletes actually go around it, but it hasn't had one mention from the commentators. Are they under some obligation not to slam the disgusting conditions? Are China under the impression that if they don't bring it up then the question wont be asked?

I hear this critter was found by one of the support crews.

Things the All Seeing Molerat didnt See

While this farce of an Olympic event rolls on i should probably keep an update list of things i hadn't predicted.

• CGI Olympic ceremony's - Possibly done by the same people who faked the moon landing? Did it really happen?
• Lip sinking during the opening ceremony - All Asians look the same to me so i still don't see the problem.

Let me know if i missed anything else.

Roll On the Olympics

Before the Olympics kicks off i feel that it is entirely appropriate to make some overly disastrous and or inappropriate predictions.

1. At least one terrorist attack during the games.


2. At least two violent confrontations between police and protesters.


3. At least one athlete attacked or detained by police during or straight after the Olympics.


4. Opening Ceremony - Heaps of dragons and loads of Chinese adults dressed like children.


5. At least 4 athletes will go home before the Olympics ends due to the disgusting conditions.


6. The lighting of the Olympic Flame will be edited out so as not to incite fires being lit throughout China in an act of disobediance or free thought.


7. Chinese officials will be sodomising each other in a Karaoke bar somewhere whilst watching the Olympic flame be lit.......Dirty Sanchez anyone? Keep an eye on YouTube.

I would put money on all of the above with the exception of the last one.

Unlike Voting for Helen

China (Your Police at Least) - You Suck

BEIJING - Two journalists covering an attack by alleged Muslim separatists in China have been beaten by police.

An official apology has now been issued over the incident in western China but, at the same time, Beijing set new obstacles for news outlets wanting to report from Tiananmen Square.
The International Olympic Committee, which last week only partially succeeded in getting China to unblock some internet sites after journalists raised a furore, said it would look into the new rules that require reporters to make appointments to do reports at Tiananmen.

The Japanese government and the Foreign Correspondents Club of China condemned the roughing up of the Japanese newsmen who were covering the terrorist attack on police in Xinjiang province.

Liu Yaohua, Xinjiang's top police official, said: "The Japanese reporters violated the rules of China by forcing their way into a military area. The act was not well-justified, and they should accept the consequences.

Heres an idea. Go stick that Olympic torch up your arse China (Your Police at Least). It really tears my anus that you get to host the olympics because you are without a doubt the biggest Fuckstick of a country. Beautiful place, good food, amazing culture but wake the hell up and sort your act out. If your didnt have everyones testicles in your hand bag of private debt then you would be bent over and given a good rodgering with the pole of Democracy.

Beautiful place, good food and amazing culture though.

Chicks Dig Scars

I have heard this adage a number of times from friends, TV shows, radio, movies but to be totally honest i have never met a female remotely interested in the scars i have acquired. There are some pretty impressive ones as well.

Ill go through them in chronological order:

1. Scar running down my cheek bone - Done by Molemums fingernails when cleaning me as a new born.


2. Scar on stomach - I was picking the fluff off a tea cosy and eating it as a toddler. Tea cosy was over a teapot on the table, i pulled it over myself, hey presto big burn scar.


3. Bite marks in right shin - Done as a young by a dog named "Rip" that lived next door.


4. Forehead scar - Ran over by a car on the way to school.


5. Hernia scar - From surgery when 9 years old.


6. Scar down right elbow - Play ground scrap.


7. Forearm scar - Scrapping with a mate and he tore a piece of flesh out my arm, he accidentally swallowed it. We are forever bonded over that, hes Maori as well......go figure.


8. Scar on eyebrow - Scrap at Uni.


9. Scar on thigh - Combination of stealing shot glasses and falling off a 3 story building at Uni.


10. Wang - Surgery of the wang.


11. Numerous small cut and burn scars around hands.

Now that in my mind a bloody good list of scars. Plenty of conversation value in them amongst the right kind of company but absolutely without a doubt has never stirred the interest of a female....just guys. Much the same as guys are far more interested in their own tackle than any female is, i would suggest the same applies to scars.

Quotes For The Day - Updated

I just don't do this enough so i wont be doing it again after today. I feel these last two are incredibly relevant to the story below. Enjoy!

Piss In The Wind

Doing something that is a complete waste of effort and time for which you can expect no results and may even backfire on you.

e.g. Asking Vero to do their fuckin job is like pissing in the wind.

S.F.A

sweet fuck all. Amounting to nothing or very little.

E.G. Wow what a waste, Vero did SFA this week about my damn floor boards.....again!!.

Vero Insurance - Fix My Floor Boards NOW Damnit!

One of the things i have been killing myself over these last few weeks is getting Vero Insurance to replace the floor boards in the laundry and bathroom.

The Felton Mixer had sprung a leak behind the wall boards, kindly racking my power bill up to $380 which coincidentally brought my attention to the problem. Naturally gravity drew all this valuable hot water down to my floor boards causing them to turn to "Weetbix". Note this is not the edible variety full of fibre but rather the state of Custom Wood once water is absorbed.

Now i have had the Mixer replaced, sadly my very heavy water tank is still sitting on the sodden floor boards and according to the plumber could literally fall through at any moment. With a claim limit of $3000 on "Gradual Damage" I sense that if this were to occur the cost of repair would be well over $3000 and I would find myself bent over the said water tank, with my ass hanging out my tweeds paying for the added costs.

I know my options but in this particular forum they are boring and irrelevant!

Screw you Vero, I shake my fist at you in disgruntled frustration.

Helen if you don’t recall my phone calls i am going to set fire to the Elevator entrance on the claims floor. Do you want that Helen? Do you? Do you want a fire started on your floor? Huh? Come Wednesday im going to Vietch the whole bloody lot of you until someone either returns my calls or fixes my floor boards.

Either that or ill just try calling again. Or i might just go down four floors and yell at you in person. Up to you fatty!

grumble grumble grumble..........

Resignation

Oh sweet Jesus, Buddha, Sponge bob.

How good did it feel to hand in my resignation? Soooooooo good.

You know that feeling when you have needed to piss for 5 hours, but you have held it in, and then you finally get to piss and you moan your ass off with ecstasy as 5 hours of beer exits you in one of the most relieving and oddly pleasurable moments in your life.

If your in the men’s you kind of get a look of jealousy, they know what your on about. If your at home you get told to be quite because the neighbours can hear you and its inappropriate.

Well I had that moment today. I’m off for a liquid lunch followed up by work drinks in the wine loft, followed up with some Guinness at O’Hagan’s.

From China With Ruv

With running two posts on Asians in one day i believe I'm running the risk of appearing a racist. Regardless this is an article shamelessly poached from 236.


China will pay you to stop all that annoying "grieving"

With the world preparing to watch the Beijing Olympics during the CSI: Miami commercial breaks, China is making sure its people appear to be one big, happy family by asking people to not publicly mourn earthquake victims.

Yes, with the all eyes on China, the nation wants the world to know it has changed its secretive ways. That's why instead of killing dissenters unhappy with the government, it's offering to pay them off.

While this seems harsh via the stuffy lens of the New York Times, Chinese officials have actually started a friendly public awareness campaign urging citizens to mourn in their inside voices. We've translated a few for you.

African SpongeBob

Dont Make Me Veitch You!!!!

In completely bad taste i have adopted this saying to most domestic situations where Miss Molerat looks to be getting out of line.

Indeed i believe this should take place ahead of "Cook me Some Eggs!"

Yes i know its old already but ive been away and havent had the opportunity to share this so shut up......or ill Veitch you!

Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks

Gidday,

Something that has been holding my interest a great deal over the last few weeks is this website.

http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Main_Page

Its got some great stuff in there. Its a testament to my really poor sense of humour but here is a taste of what you can find. This one comes from the Mel Gibson Link.

Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson, AO (born January 3, 1956) is an Academy Award-winning actor, director, producer, screenwriter, alcoholic, anti-Semite, and a dick. After establishing himself as a household name by appearing in such classics as Tequila Sunrise and Bird on a Wire, Gibson went on to direct and star in Braveheart, a film whose most famous scene involves an entire army bending over, lifting up its skirts, and waggling its collected buttocks at another army, which in response stands there with its swords erect, ready to ram deep inside the enemy’s “line.” Not surprisingly, this film is especially popular in American fraternity houses, along with tea bagging, communal showers, and bathroom stalls with no door.

For Gibson’s work on Braveheart, he received the Oscar for Best Mullet. It really was an extraordinary mullet: lush, luxuriant—there was even a little braid woven down the side.
In 2004, Gibson produced and directed The Passion of the Christ, a controversial film portraying the last hours of the final days of some guy. Pretty much the only saving grace of this film is that Gibson himself did not star as this guy. Thanks largely to The Passion’s success—born entirely from the controversy it aroused rather than any real artistic, theatrical, and/or theological merit—Gibson was named #1 on the Forbes most powerful celebrity list, perhaps the most dicktacular list in America. Well, aside from maybe “Richest Person in Los Angeles.” Gibson cracks the Top 50 on that one, too.

Mel Gibson is Australian, though his accent comes and goes, especially during films in which he’s supposed to be an American revolutionary, for instance, or a melancholy Dane. He is perhaps the most odious thing to come from Australia, other than Olivia Newton John. And Chumbawumba. And Outback Steakhouse. And that disgusting black vegetable spread they love so much. In fact, nothing good has ever come from Australia. Okay, maybe Men At Work, but they haven’t released an album in 20 years, and also Nicole Kidman, but she hardly ever gets naked anymore (certainly no bush).

Russell Crowe wishes he were Mel Gibson so bad, it gives him a boner that a dingo couldn’t bite through.

No - This Is Not An Image Of Helen Clark

See, now I take issue with dogs like these. This poor animal should have been put to death the moment it was born. I hate little dogs, they should be classified as rats and put into sewers and under damp piles of wood, where decent folk are not subjected their ugly little faces and little yaps! Disgusting!

Now, I have been trying for some time to get a dog of my own. A Bullmastiff or American Bulldog would be fantastic. Unfortunately there is a nut I haven’t been able to crack......Miss Molerats (soon to be Mrs as I proposed last week after I laced her with wine, she wasn’t of sound...mind but hey, a win is a win!).

Anyway the discussion to date in a nutshell looks like this:

1) You cant have a dog until we move in together

2) So we moved in together

3) You cant have a dog until we buy our own place

4) So we bought our own place

5) You cant have a dog until the section is fully fenced.

6) I fenced my ass off all summer

7) You cant have a dog until someone is home full time to be with it........

So i went out and spent a few grand on a new home entertainment system without her input instead. Gooooooooo Man Power!!!!

I got the glassy eye for a wee while but she’s pretty good about it now.

Jesus Escapes Stampede

Kiwi Sports Fans Have No Passion

Its no secret that Kiwis are the least inspired and most boring supporters in the world. But having been shamed on a supporters bus on the way to the game I feel compelled to share my story.

The Paddington (Paddo) were having a test match deal. 1 Ticket, free meal, 1 free beer and a trip to and from the game for $90. We know a bargain when we see one so we rallied some friends and made a day/night of it.

12:00pm – Kicked off the drinking
4:30pm – 12 beers down and were off to the Paddington
5:00pm – Reach the Paddington
5:05pm – Complimentary beer and meal received
5:30pm – Second complimentary beer received (courtesy of one of the lads who scanned the chit and printed them en mass)
6:00pm – Bus arrives
6:05pm – Everybody in the bus
6:06pm – The Barmy army (one third the buses population) start firing up.
6:10pm – Uninspired Kiwi pipes up with “Aaaaaallllll Blaaaacks”
610 and 2 one hundredths pm – Barmy army crush the call and humiliate the bloke who had piped up.
6:12pm – Kiwi supporters now watch as the only guy trying to rally kiwi support is a Canadian here on holiday.
6:15pm – Barmy army question the Canadians parentage and threaten a beating.
6:20pm – There are rumours of someone starting a Haka (oh Christ I think to myself).
6:21pm – Lack of support means the threat of a Haka is scrambled.
6:25pm – This news mustn’t have got to the Canadian as he starts SINGING the Haka with his pregnant girlfriend.

Its at this point I realised the colonists in their meagre numbers have pretty much squashed all NZ resistance. Shouts of “Yeah well we will see whose singing after the game”.

This is where the memory gets a little hazy.

9:30/10:00 pm – The poms seem to have numerous witty songs about how crap they are. Still nothing from the Kiwis
10ish – Someone suggests a Haka (No no no)
10ish – Barmy army start taunting that Camilla Parker is our next queen.
10ish – Barmy army start pole dancing and eyeing up all females on the bus
11ish – Back in the Paddington enjoying our many stolen free beers.

Sunday 3:00 pm – Molerat wakes up feeling very sorry for himself and unable to get to the lounge or feed himself.

Saying For The Week

Premature Joculation

The act of celebrating an event before it has been fully resolved. Sometimes quickly followed by an embarrassing retraction when things turn out differently.

E.g. The All Blacks in the Rugby World Cup 1991, 1995, 1999, 2003, 2007.

Family - Gotta Love Em!

Funny thing happened the other day.

My uncle (who I haven’t heard from since I was 7-10) sent me an email. His email was brief, to the extent he told me where he was now as well as the above image.

Turns out he works in a gas mine in the Australian Desert.

Comic Relief

Garfield, a nickname i tried to label my mate with at school but he somehow turned around on me. He made it stick too, i got sent this from one of the Lads the other day.

Sniks - The Evil Goodness

SNIKS PORK CRACKLE - tasty bite-sized, mouth watering pieces of seasoned pork crackle/scratchings made in Cambridge, New Zealand.

Made to the traditional English Pork Scratching recipe - the perfect snack to have with your favourite cold beer.

A snack for the whole family to enjoy! Try a packet today from your local NZ tavern/hotel, liquor stores and now various supermarkets.

http://www.porkcrackle.co.nz/

Sweet Jesus I found this stuff a while back and its well worth a mention.

During one of my darker hours I was in Liquor King purchasing 12 Guinness and a bottle of Whisky (less the "E"), which I would try to ration across 2 days, when I came across a little blue bag of Pork Snacks. Why wouldn’t I? I like pork, I like crackle, it was an instant hit after my first chomp.

Now I’m no slouch, twice a day at the gym, one cardio one weights session. But I tell you after two packets of this you feel morbidly obese, on the verge of cardiac arrest and you will be loving every minute of it.

They are addictive and just too bloody tasty.

Try some today......you will regret it but its well worth the self mutilation.

Barack Wins Democratic Nomination - Yussssss!!

Queue up the fist pumps and high fives! Hillary the mole is out!!

Start "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" music:

Hillary the mole is out.
Hillary the mole is out.
Hillary, Hillary, Hillary, Hillary, Hillary the mole is out.
Hillary the mole, Hillary the mole, Hillary the mole is out.

Were off to see Obama, the wonderful Obama kick ass.
We'll find out if he is the shiz, and the biz! If ever the shiz he was!


Etc etc, i cant recall the whole song and am out of ideas.

To The Woman Who Makes My Coffee - I Hate You!

Look Here,

I’m an incredibly easy going type, I’m not frustrated easily (except by Miss Molerat who tests me daily), pretty polite even. Not one to start a fire at any rate. However I feel myself coming to a heads with the French woman that makes my coffee every day.

Reasons:

1) She doesn’t heat my BAP properly even though I’ve told her on numerous occasions its under done. I know we are a little tight on electricity these days but surely a few more minutes under the sandwich press wont send us into the dark ages.

2) She’s Rude and abrupt.

3) She tries to trick me. A woman and I were standing there waiting for our coffees. Frenchy calls out a Flat White (which was mine) and the women takes it.

I’m thinking "that’s okay there must be another one coming", wrong!!. Next up is a Trim Latte.
"That’s odd" I think to myself. "It must be up next", wrong!!!

Frenchy sneers at me and croaks "what are you waiting for?",

"Umm, a Flat White!"

"Not a Trim Latte?"

"No a Flat White, do i look like i need anything trim?" (Clearly not!!!!)

"Okay!"

So she takes the Trim Latte down from the counter, takes another cup and pours the Trim Latte into it and marks it as a Flat White!!!

So I said:

"Hello?? I saw you do that you sneaky frog gobbler, you cant bamboozle me that easily. Thats right im on to you, you sneaky, evil ill tempered witch!!!"

(Note this was said to myself as I shed a man tear at my desk with my cold BAP.)

I have my eye on you now Frenchy, your about to be on the sharp end of a polite objection from the Molerat! You don’t know it yet but its coming.

Jesus Escapes Boat Crash

Australians - Ungrateful Pack Of Thieves

Quit your moaning! $10 bucks says Robbie will drag your sorry carcasses all the way to the Rugby World Cup Finals. The real mud in the face of NZ Rugby supporters will be when he clinches the title.

You better step it up Henry you troublesome clown!

Best Business Card I Have Ever Seen

So.................

I went to a "Lady" Party the other weekend. What a load of absolute bollocks it was as well. This female thought that turning "X" number of years old was her initiation into "Lady hood".

A fantastic excuse for the girls to get dressed up of course, but the irony wasn’t lost on me as the night wore on and the birthday girl/lady started falling out of her top and dancing on the tables.

There was one female there however who had a pretty awesome Business Card which she interprets as "Bad Ass Biatch".

I wish my stint at uni rendered something this awesome.

All i have to show for it is a crap degree and a bung liver.

Global Warming - "Atsa Spiceya meatball!!!"

Where do you start?

First of all I’m no expert on the matter, never will be either. But ill give you my take on it anyway as nobody I know listens to me (I’m looking at you Miss Mole Rat, you know what I’m talking about).

Anyway!

Like many people who take an interest in the subject (in NZ anyway) you were probably watching "The Great Global Warming Swindle" on Prime TV at 8:30. Having slept for 14 hours, post Sake bar disaster, I was almost prepared for the load of bollocks I saw that evening. Now i'm not a Global warming nay sayer, nor am I a believer, but having watched that load of rubbish I quickly came to this conclusion...........Global Warming is like being a Christian, and here’s why.

Religion is a bloody tricky thing to believe in. Why? Because unless you are prepared to put your head in the sand and ignore all the gaping holes in the Bible your going to constantly be picked at by non believers who have loads and loads of curly questions that you can never truly answer, for no other reason than there just isn’t any proof, rhyme or reason!

After a discussion with an incredibly religious girl, (who had an anus for a vagina funnily enough) she said something that I found quite profound. She said.....
"If i’m right, then I will get what’s coming to me when my day comes, if i’m wrong then at least I lived my life as a good person and did right by others".

So i’m applying that logic to my outlook on Global warming, forget all the arguments, whether it’s caused by humans or part of the planets cycle it doesn’t matter. Just do my part and make it that little bit easier for the planet to do its thing. No need making it harder and if Global warming is a reality then hopefully we have done enough to minimise the catastrophic events that may/may not unfold. If we are wrong then what harm have we done? A small risk is still a risk and surely it is always better to err on the side of caution.

Of course, there is China rooting the whole thing anyway but ignore that part! Just buy the damn energy saving light bulbs and recycle sometimes damnit!

Saying For The Week

On The Laugh Rag

"A term used to describe those rare days where everything you say is funny."

Jane was at that special time of the month where everything she said was just hilarious. She was so on the laugh rag.


http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=On+The+Laugh+Rag

I pray for days like these.

Like the end result of most my prayers its never happened.

Pshh, go figure!!

What do you mean bitter and disillusioned? I still believe!

Chicken Soup For The Soul

Mexican Donkey Freed From Jail After Assault

"TUXTLA GUTIERREZ, Mexico - A Mexican donkey has been freed from jail after doing time for assault and battery. The Televisa network on Wednesday showed "Blacky" gobbling food from a bucket after spending three days in a jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances.
Blacky was jailed for biting and kicking two men near a ranch outside Tuxtla Gutierrez, the capital of Chiapas state.

Officials freed the donkey after its owner paid a fine of $36 and the $115 hospital bill of the men, who suffered bites to the chest and a broken ankle. Authorities say he also must pay $480 to each man for missed work days."

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/weird_news/20080521_ap_mexicandonkeyfreedfromjailafterassault.html

This is great!

A donkey named Blacky attacking two men gets put in jail.

I wonder why Blackys story hasn’t been told! Me thinks its the white oppressors at work again!

*Cue sound track depicting villany*

Maybe Blacky is a product of his environment. Its not Blackys fault he was raised in the slums of Mexico and prone to violent acts of biting. The fact he was gobbling his food suggests to me that Blacky probably hasn’t been fed in a while, which makes me think he’s neglected. Why aren’t we doing more as a community to support Blacky?

Could it be Blacky was merely protecting his property? Maybe these two men were trespassing on Blackys land? Maybe they were trying to steal from Blacky? Maybe they had stolen from Blacky and this was the only way he knew how to serve justice in his donkey oppressed community?

Just look at the amount of time he spent in jail. I bet if that was a Stead committing those crimes they would only have been placed over night?

The problem is there will never be any justice for Blacky until Mexico as a people can see past their old prejudices and begin to heal, together, forever, where ever.

Disclaimer

Yes! I am an idiot.

Aunty Helen - Labour Party Fundamentals

If Cullen were a Pigeon

I Shall Call Him D-Twat

Hello,

The Molerat has a concern, a deep troubling niggle that has been eating away at him since he started his job. Its not something he can change, escape, eat, kill or ignore.

What’s been bothering me is a work colleague who I will from here-on-in call "D-Twat". "D" because that’s what his name starts with and "Twat" because every aspect of this man loudly and proudly screams "THATS WHAT I AM!!!"

Amongst my group of friends we have someone like D-Twat, we call him Wompwizzle. Not a sentence can leave Wompwizzles mouth without it having some obscene hyperbole or utter mistruth added to it. E.g. "I went to the pub in the weekend and drank 40 beers, then knocked out 6 bouncers and hit a policeman over the head with a baseball bat." When in actually fact if he was sitting with his better half we would hear this story "I sat at home with Miss Wompwizzle and ate Tim Tams while watching Greys Anatomy." But we have known Wompwizzle since we were 8 and went to a rather pompous boarding school together. He’s one of us and we accept his BS for what it is, he knows we know he’s full of it as well.

However,

D-Twat on the other hand has known me all of 2-3 months. I’ve maybe spoken to him on 10 different occasions and each time has rendered a publicly humiliating situation for MRat. Let me out line who D-Twat is:

- Short (Has short mans syndrome).
- 25 years old
- Wears glasses.
- Looks like the type of guy you would find up a tree looking into your bedroom window.
- Has a serious delusion about the seniority of his role.
- Sustains multiple whiplash injuries when someone from the opposite sex walks within a 50 meter radius of him.
- Plays Ten Pin professionally.
- Has been a famous NZ photographer.
- Played representative Soccer (Football) for Auckland.
- Has loads of "Lady’s".
- Races Rotary cars.
- Family owns multiple offshore company’s.
- Etc etc etc, I could go on.

You cant have a conversation with this guy without him having seen it, done it, been it, redefined it, designed it, smelt it or ate it. For example:

D-Twat - "Have a good weekend mate?"

MRat - "Wasn’t bad actually, went out with Miss Molerat to a nice Italian Restaurant in Parnell for our anniversary."

D-Twat - "Yeah I used to be the head chef at "Blah" Restaurant and had a threesome last night!"

Are you kidding me? A threesome with what? Your hand and a sock? A cat and a dog? Two other blokes? I would be amazed if he could find one willing unpaid participant let alone two of them. What do you say to someone like this? How do you cleanse the stain of association when he blurts this crap out at the gym so everyone can hear? I bought an ipod for the sole purpose of aiding my attempts to fain not being able to hear him talk to me. But when he comes over to speak to me I cant pretend I don’t see him can I? Can I? Maybe i could!

I cant hit him, I’ve thought about taking that road numerous times but it is only a short term solution and MRat is not a violent man so its not an option. Luckily a lot of guys around me have the same problem.

I think he thinks were friends, or, he missed a critical stage in his cognitive development. He lacks situational awareness and doesn’t understand notions of personal space or socially inappropriate conversations with strangers.

Here’s what I am going to do. I’m going to observe him. Watch his awkward attempts at approaching females at the gym. Watch him dropping weights on himself while he’s working out. Observe his social faux pas and report to any and all who read this blog. That is how I’m going to cope with D-Twat.

Ill share the burden with the rest of you.

Tales from me old Mole Dad

Hello,

Thinking about what I should post today I couldn’t think of anything I’ve seen, heard or done recently that has really made me laugh. Not just a 'round the water cooler' chortle that people are becoming accustomed too, but a hurt your ribs, break a sweat laugh that forever burns the occasion into your grey matter.

Now Mole Dad is a funny old Scouse. He’s a very funny, yet reserved, man with plenty of tales. He was raised in Kerby in one of the locals. Having been raised and later working in this bar one can would appreciate how his personality came about.

Liverpool, nearly everyone knows someone from the place and if you don’t, you probably have heard of their rubbish soccer team, God bless them. But I digress.

Thieves the lot of them.

It was on a trip to Kawerau with Miss Molerat to see my father that this story takes place. A trip I don’t make often enough by the way. After sitting with Mole Dad over a few pints he starts to loosen up (He’s always a little nervous of me when we first meet) and starts to spin a few tales.

And it went a little like this........

"Now my dad worked on the docks. Big man for sure, used to be a seaman, loved to drink and fight. When having a pint he would only ever touch his pint glass twice, if you know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean dad."

"I wish you hadda met him. Anyway one day I was working in the pub with my aunty Sally when my dad brought in a big wooden barrel from the Docks."

"What was he doing with that?"

"What do you mean? He stole it and brought it home!"

"Right o! What was in it?"

"Alcohol, or so he was told. Anyway he put in the middle of the bar and left it there till after we closed, we were going to crack it open later that night. Some of my uncles were in that night and they were drinking with my dad, they had their pints sitting on the top of it you know what I mean?"

"Yeah"

"Well uncle Michael found the plug in the barrel and decided to pull it out. Dad was right it was full of alcohol, so they put aside the beers and started draining the contents of this barrel. Pissed they were, i tell you the next day when they came in for breakfast they were in a horrible state."

"So what’s your point?"

"You see how he speaks to me Miss Molerat? Rude isn’t he? I thought I raised a good..."

"Let it go would you."

*Steely glare from Mole Dad*

"So we were carrying the barrel outside when we noticed something was still inside it."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, the bloody Barrel had an embalmed monkey in it. They were preserving it in alcohol and had sent it from Africa to Liverpool to be put in the museum, it was in the papers and everything asking for the monkey to be returned to its owners. We kept it for a few days then left it outside the bar across the road hoping they would get some bad press."

End story......................

I still find this incredibly funny. I don’t know if alcohol had something to do with it, or it was just the sheer surprise of the ending, but that was one of the funniest story’s I’ve ever heard from Mole Dad.

I half expected him to tell me they ate it.

Vatican: It's OK to believe in aliens

Since I signed up to the alias "Molerats" (The name I will continuously refer to myself as) I have been waiting, sniffing about for some ludicrous article, statement, image that would actually be worthy of my first Post. Now when I say "worthy" I mean something that I would find interesting, which is to say something that could possibly only ever be of interest to me, which is to say its probably a load of bollocks.

Don’t ever expect more than that, but rather appreciate that this blog will always be a load of rubbish, and merely the ramblings of a very bored, tired male working in corporate New Zealand, posting during his far too long 1hr lunch break.

Expectations set? (said KFED to his music label). Excellent!!!


"VATICAN CITY - The Vatican's chief astronomer says that believing in aliens does not contradict faith in God.

The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, said that the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.

In an interview published Tuesday by Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Funes said that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures.

The interview was headlined "The extraterrestrial is my brother."

Funes said that ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom. "

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24598508/#storyContinued


Now I love religion, I really do. Big fan, Huge fan even. One thing I wasn’t aware of was that the Vatican had a Chief Astronomer. Which totally makes sense to me now. For century’s people have been posing the question "Where is this God or Jesus hanging out? Why have they been sleeping on the job whilst all these terrible things happen around us".
Well in response to this, you nay sayers, we have an appointed Chief of Astronomy actively looking for them, so give them some time and they’ll find them. Just you wait. Their out there, viewable by telescope.

Really? Is this where the Vatican have found themselves after all this time? Looking through Telescopes? What co-ordinates are they using? Have they been communicating their search patterns with SETI? SETI may have already looked there! We may be double handling our search efforts for JEBUS. I would suggest the Vatican and SETI pull together and discuss operational efficiency issues.

Now I assume that the Chief of Astronomy hasn’t been hired to find God and I’ve just interpreted the article wrongly. Miss Molerat has always told me I have selective hearing.

But this part here, my favourite part is

"ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom."

I love it!! He couldn’t be more right. How could you ever fault a being who has always had every base covered. Brilliant!!!!. “What? You thought of something that may debunk our theory on X. Well that’s just putting limits of Y’s ability to do any manner of wondrous things.”

I wonder what an extraterrestrials view of God is. Maybe they happened across him on the way to our planet. Maybe they neglected to tell us whist they probed a few unfortunate bystanders? You gotta wonder. They’ve been pretty tight lipped and scarce those fullas of late. They're all in it together if you ask me!!!!

This just in, someone from Hubble found Jesus. As they are the discoverer, they are granted naming rights, and as such decided to name the entity formerly known as "Jesus", "Schnookums" after his 8 month old Fox Terrier.