I Shall Call Him D-Twat

Hello,

The Molerat has a concern, a deep troubling niggle that has been eating away at him since he started his job. Its not something he can change, escape, eat, kill or ignore.

What’s been bothering me is a work colleague who I will from here-on-in call "D-Twat". "D" because that’s what his name starts with and "Twat" because every aspect of this man loudly and proudly screams "THATS WHAT I AM!!!"

Amongst my group of friends we have someone like D-Twat, we call him Wompwizzle. Not a sentence can leave Wompwizzles mouth without it having some obscene hyperbole or utter mistruth added to it. E.g. "I went to the pub in the weekend and drank 40 beers, then knocked out 6 bouncers and hit a policeman over the head with a baseball bat." When in actually fact if he was sitting with his better half we would hear this story "I sat at home with Miss Wompwizzle and ate Tim Tams while watching Greys Anatomy." But we have known Wompwizzle since we were 8 and went to a rather pompous boarding school together. He’s one of us and we accept his BS for what it is, he knows we know he’s full of it as well.

However,

D-Twat on the other hand has known me all of 2-3 months. I’ve maybe spoken to him on 10 different occasions and each time has rendered a publicly humiliating situation for MRat. Let me out line who D-Twat is:

- Short (Has short mans syndrome).
- 25 years old
- Wears glasses.
- Looks like the type of guy you would find up a tree looking into your bedroom window.
- Has a serious delusion about the seniority of his role.
- Sustains multiple whiplash injuries when someone from the opposite sex walks within a 50 meter radius of him.
- Plays Ten Pin professionally.
- Has been a famous NZ photographer.
- Played representative Soccer (Football) for Auckland.
- Has loads of "Lady’s".
- Races Rotary cars.
- Family owns multiple offshore company’s.
- Etc etc etc, I could go on.

You cant have a conversation with this guy without him having seen it, done it, been it, redefined it, designed it, smelt it or ate it. For example:

D-Twat - "Have a good weekend mate?"

MRat - "Wasn’t bad actually, went out with Miss Molerat to a nice Italian Restaurant in Parnell for our anniversary."

D-Twat - "Yeah I used to be the head chef at "Blah" Restaurant and had a threesome last night!"

Are you kidding me? A threesome with what? Your hand and a sock? A cat and a dog? Two other blokes? I would be amazed if he could find one willing unpaid participant let alone two of them. What do you say to someone like this? How do you cleanse the stain of association when he blurts this crap out at the gym so everyone can hear? I bought an ipod for the sole purpose of aiding my attempts to fain not being able to hear him talk to me. But when he comes over to speak to me I cant pretend I don’t see him can I? Can I? Maybe i could!

I cant hit him, I’ve thought about taking that road numerous times but it is only a short term solution and MRat is not a violent man so its not an option. Luckily a lot of guys around me have the same problem.

I think he thinks were friends, or, he missed a critical stage in his cognitive development. He lacks situational awareness and doesn’t understand notions of personal space or socially inappropriate conversations with strangers.

Here’s what I am going to do. I’m going to observe him. Watch his awkward attempts at approaching females at the gym. Watch him dropping weights on himself while he’s working out. Observe his social faux pas and report to any and all who read this blog. That is how I’m going to cope with D-Twat.

Ill share the burden with the rest of you.