No - This Is Not An Image Of Helen Clark

See, now I take issue with dogs like these. This poor animal should have been put to death the moment it was born. I hate little dogs, they should be classified as rats and put into sewers and under damp piles of wood, where decent folk are not subjected their ugly little faces and little yaps! Disgusting!

Now, I have been trying for some time to get a dog of my own. A Bullmastiff or American Bulldog would be fantastic. Unfortunately there is a nut I haven’t been able to crack......Miss Molerats (soon to be Mrs as I proposed last week after I laced her with wine, she wasn’t of sound...mind but hey, a win is a win!).

Anyway the discussion to date in a nutshell looks like this:

1) You cant have a dog until we move in together

2) So we moved in together

3) You cant have a dog until we buy our own place

4) So we bought our own place

5) You cant have a dog until the section is fully fenced.

6) I fenced my ass off all summer

7) You cant have a dog until someone is home full time to be with it........

So i went out and spent a few grand on a new home entertainment system without her input instead. Gooooooooo Man Power!!!!

I got the glassy eye for a wee while but she’s pretty good about it now.

Jesus Escapes Stampede

Kiwi Sports Fans Have No Passion

Its no secret that Kiwis are the least inspired and most boring supporters in the world. But having been shamed on a supporters bus on the way to the game I feel compelled to share my story.

The Paddington (Paddo) were having a test match deal. 1 Ticket, free meal, 1 free beer and a trip to and from the game for $90. We know a bargain when we see one so we rallied some friends and made a day/night of it.

12:00pm – Kicked off the drinking
4:30pm – 12 beers down and were off to the Paddington
5:00pm – Reach the Paddington
5:05pm – Complimentary beer and meal received
5:30pm – Second complimentary beer received (courtesy of one of the lads who scanned the chit and printed them en mass)
6:00pm – Bus arrives
6:05pm – Everybody in the bus
6:06pm – The Barmy army (one third the buses population) start firing up.
6:10pm – Uninspired Kiwi pipes up with “Aaaaaallllll Blaaaacks”
610 and 2 one hundredths pm – Barmy army crush the call and humiliate the bloke who had piped up.
6:12pm – Kiwi supporters now watch as the only guy trying to rally kiwi support is a Canadian here on holiday.
6:15pm – Barmy army question the Canadians parentage and threaten a beating.
6:20pm – There are rumours of someone starting a Haka (oh Christ I think to myself).
6:21pm – Lack of support means the threat of a Haka is scrambled.
6:25pm – This news mustn’t have got to the Canadian as he starts SINGING the Haka with his pregnant girlfriend.

Its at this point I realised the colonists in their meagre numbers have pretty much squashed all NZ resistance. Shouts of “Yeah well we will see whose singing after the game”.

This is where the memory gets a little hazy.

9:30/10:00 pm – The poms seem to have numerous witty songs about how crap they are. Still nothing from the Kiwis
10ish – Someone suggests a Haka (No no no)
10ish – Barmy army start taunting that Camilla Parker is our next queen.
10ish – Barmy army start pole dancing and eyeing up all females on the bus
11ish – Back in the Paddington enjoying our many stolen free beers.

Sunday 3:00 pm – Molerat wakes up feeling very sorry for himself and unable to get to the lounge or feed himself.

Saying For The Week

Premature Joculation

The act of celebrating an event before it has been fully resolved. Sometimes quickly followed by an embarrassing retraction when things turn out differently.

E.g. The All Blacks in the Rugby World Cup 1991, 1995, 1999, 2003, 2007.

Family - Gotta Love Em!

Funny thing happened the other day.

My uncle (who I haven’t heard from since I was 7-10) sent me an email. His email was brief, to the extent he told me where he was now as well as the above image.

Turns out he works in a gas mine in the Australian Desert.

Comic Relief

Garfield, a nickname i tried to label my mate with at school but he somehow turned around on me. He made it stick too, i got sent this from one of the Lads the other day.

Sniks - The Evil Goodness

SNIKS PORK CRACKLE - tasty bite-sized, mouth watering pieces of seasoned pork crackle/scratchings made in Cambridge, New Zealand.

Made to the traditional English Pork Scratching recipe - the perfect snack to have with your favourite cold beer.

A snack for the whole family to enjoy! Try a packet today from your local NZ tavern/hotel, liquor stores and now various supermarkets.

http://www.porkcrackle.co.nz/

Sweet Jesus I found this stuff a while back and its well worth a mention.

During one of my darker hours I was in Liquor King purchasing 12 Guinness and a bottle of Whisky (less the "E"), which I would try to ration across 2 days, when I came across a little blue bag of Pork Snacks. Why wouldn’t I? I like pork, I like crackle, it was an instant hit after my first chomp.

Now I’m no slouch, twice a day at the gym, one cardio one weights session. But I tell you after two packets of this you feel morbidly obese, on the verge of cardiac arrest and you will be loving every minute of it.

They are addictive and just too bloody tasty.

Try some today......you will regret it but its well worth the self mutilation.

Barack Wins Democratic Nomination - Yussssss!!

Queue up the fist pumps and high fives! Hillary the mole is out!!

Start "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" music:

Hillary the mole is out.
Hillary the mole is out.
Hillary, Hillary, Hillary, Hillary, Hillary the mole is out.
Hillary the mole, Hillary the mole, Hillary the mole is out.

Were off to see Obama, the wonderful Obama kick ass.
We'll find out if he is the shiz, and the biz! If ever the shiz he was!


Etc etc, i cant recall the whole song and am out of ideas.

To The Woman Who Makes My Coffee - I Hate You!

Look Here,

I’m an incredibly easy going type, I’m not frustrated easily (except by Miss Molerat who tests me daily), pretty polite even. Not one to start a fire at any rate. However I feel myself coming to a heads with the French woman that makes my coffee every day.

Reasons:

1) She doesn’t heat my BAP properly even though I’ve told her on numerous occasions its under done. I know we are a little tight on electricity these days but surely a few more minutes under the sandwich press wont send us into the dark ages.

2) She’s Rude and abrupt.

3) She tries to trick me. A woman and I were standing there waiting for our coffees. Frenchy calls out a Flat White (which was mine) and the women takes it.

I’m thinking "that’s okay there must be another one coming", wrong!!. Next up is a Trim Latte.
"That’s odd" I think to myself. "It must be up next", wrong!!!

Frenchy sneers at me and croaks "what are you waiting for?",

"Umm, a Flat White!"

"Not a Trim Latte?"

"No a Flat White, do i look like i need anything trim?" (Clearly not!!!!)

"Okay!"

So she takes the Trim Latte down from the counter, takes another cup and pours the Trim Latte into it and marks it as a Flat White!!!

So I said:

"Hello?? I saw you do that you sneaky frog gobbler, you cant bamboozle me that easily. Thats right im on to you, you sneaky, evil ill tempered witch!!!"

(Note this was said to myself as I shed a man tear at my desk with my cold BAP.)

I have my eye on you now Frenchy, your about to be on the sharp end of a polite objection from the Molerat! You don’t know it yet but its coming.

Jesus Escapes Boat Crash

Australians - Ungrateful Pack Of Thieves

Quit your moaning! $10 bucks says Robbie will drag your sorry carcasses all the way to the Rugby World Cup Finals. The real mud in the face of NZ Rugby supporters will be when he clinches the title.

You better step it up Henry you troublesome clown!

Best Business Card I Have Ever Seen

So.................

I went to a "Lady" Party the other weekend. What a load of absolute bollocks it was as well. This female thought that turning "X" number of years old was her initiation into "Lady hood".

A fantastic excuse for the girls to get dressed up of course, but the irony wasn’t lost on me as the night wore on and the birthday girl/lady started falling out of her top and dancing on the tables.

There was one female there however who had a pretty awesome Business Card which she interprets as "Bad Ass Biatch".

I wish my stint at uni rendered something this awesome.

All i have to show for it is a crap degree and a bung liver.

Global Warming - "Atsa Spiceya meatball!!!"

Where do you start?

First of all I’m no expert on the matter, never will be either. But ill give you my take on it anyway as nobody I know listens to me (I’m looking at you Miss Mole Rat, you know what I’m talking about).

Anyway!

Like many people who take an interest in the subject (in NZ anyway) you were probably watching "The Great Global Warming Swindle" on Prime TV at 8:30. Having slept for 14 hours, post Sake bar disaster, I was almost prepared for the load of bollocks I saw that evening. Now i'm not a Global warming nay sayer, nor am I a believer, but having watched that load of rubbish I quickly came to this conclusion...........Global Warming is like being a Christian, and here’s why.

Religion is a bloody tricky thing to believe in. Why? Because unless you are prepared to put your head in the sand and ignore all the gaping holes in the Bible your going to constantly be picked at by non believers who have loads and loads of curly questions that you can never truly answer, for no other reason than there just isn’t any proof, rhyme or reason!

After a discussion with an incredibly religious girl, (who had an anus for a vagina funnily enough) she said something that I found quite profound. She said.....
"If i’m right, then I will get what’s coming to me when my day comes, if i’m wrong then at least I lived my life as a good person and did right by others".

So i’m applying that logic to my outlook on Global warming, forget all the arguments, whether it’s caused by humans or part of the planets cycle it doesn’t matter. Just do my part and make it that little bit easier for the planet to do its thing. No need making it harder and if Global warming is a reality then hopefully we have done enough to minimise the catastrophic events that may/may not unfold. If we are wrong then what harm have we done? A small risk is still a risk and surely it is always better to err on the side of caution.

Of course, there is China rooting the whole thing anyway but ignore that part! Just buy the damn energy saving light bulbs and recycle sometimes damnit!